What I've Learnt from Videogames

Videogames... They're education, right? 

Morality.

I have mastered morality. It is a very simple binary choice. If a child is in danger... you either save it, or kill it quicker. There is no in between.

Numerous iterations of the Legend of Zelda has taught me that valuable items kept in people's houses (in large chests with locks on them) are, despite all appearances, there for anyone to take.

The Walking Dead taught me that doing the right thing nearly always turns out to be you just doing the wrong thing but with good intentions. It also taught me that guilt will haunt you. Forever.

GTA hookers have a morally dubious refunds policy.

Dragging dead bodies into positions that resemble coitus does not indicate a sick disposition. It is in fact normal.  I've seen Hitman Let's Plays on Youtube.

Killing innocent people in an airport, in a simulated terrorist incident is acceptable if it gets you headlines and boosts the sales of your increasingly stagnant, once respectable, franchise.

 

 

Etiquette.

Deus Ex taught me that it's rude to go into the women's restroom. If you do, your boss will take a break from praising your skill in the field, during a mission debriefing, to disappointedly tell you your conduct is 'unprofessional'. And you will feel bad.

Mass Effect and other dialogue wheel RPGs have taught me not to be rude, because If I ever say anything offensive I will probably be immediately launched into a fight. In the world of RPGS people are very quick to anger and baddassery and douchebaggery are one and the same.

I've also learnt from RPG NPCs that if you don't want to talk to someone, repeating the same line over and over every time they try to engage you in conversation will put an end to that quickly enough. Try it on the bus.

Shooting people in the same army as you is annoying but not life threatening.

 

Housework.

The Legend of Zelda has also taught me that mowing the lawn will reap healthy rewards. So far I have only turned up mangled slugs and snails but I'm confident that if I cut the grass regularly I will receive money, weapons or human organs.

Harvest Moon has taught me that if you want to farm well then you need to throw well.

Nutritionists trained in the city of Rapture or Columbia will tell you it's perfectly healthy to eat food out of bins.

Skyrim taught me that people don't bother tidying up. Try trashing someone's table setting and see if they ever tidy that shit up. You can return months later and those goblets will still be where you left them. Scrubbers.

When it comes to tidying up after yourself, dead bodies tend to take care of themselves...

...Though some have the nasty habit of coming back to life.

 

Espionage.

Deus Ex taught me that if you've broken into a high security compound no one will mind as long as they think you're 'nothing', a rat... or a homeless person.

All stealth games have taught me that people can't see shit in dark corners...

... while Splinter Cell has taught me that having lights that turn on to indicate when you're in said dark corners is a smart design choice.

The best way to get away with murder is to sit on a bench, read a newspaper or pretend to use a computer.

..and if you do get caught, simply organise a city wide game of hide-and-seek and all will be forgotten because apparently a large amount of people suffer from Prosopagnosia (also known as Faceblindness).

 

And now the serious bit:

Dark Souls taught me patience, caution, humility... and more importantly how not to PANIC.

Legend of Zelda's Link taught me perseverance. If something is clearly the right thing to do, then just do it - it's not about, charisma, style or empty boasts... it's just about action.

The Walking Dead gave me an idea of just how hard it is to be a parent: the frequent contrary compromises of trying to protect your child from the horrors of the world while ensuring that they're tough enough and well-equipped enough to take on said horrors if you're not around.

And most important of all, I also learnt that I love videogames. Even if - sometimes - they are a bit dumb.