Introducing GameGrin's new Scoring System and Advisory Panel
Editor's Note: The astute amongst you will have probably noticed the date on this article already. This April Fools gag was brought to you by GameGrin.com
For ten years now, we’ve been bringing you as much gaming content as we can possibly stuff down your internet pipes, including regular reviews of games. In that time, a lot of things have changed and we have done our best to keep up with the times. One thing, however, has never changed: our review score system. We’ve always used an “out of ten” system because that’s what the review aggregation sites want, but it’s led to many arguments between people who think a game deserves 8.5 and people who think it deserves eight, and rightly so.
To avoid these arguments and fights, (and in a few isolated cases divorces), we have devised a brand new scoring system, based on the hieroglyphs used in the BBC quiz show Only Connect, with a scale out of six running from lion to eye of Horus. From now on, all of our reviews will be rated like this:
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| The highest score: an excellent game that you should definitely buy |
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| This is a really good game, but it didn’t make our reviewer cry and you can’t pet the dog so it’s not game of the year contender |
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| Certainly not a bad game, but missing that “wow” factor. Maybe needs more cowbell? |
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| A below average game that might be entertaining to a child or a gecko, but not to a human adult |
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| This is a dreadful game but we like/feel sorry for the developer so we didn’t want to give it |
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| The lowest score: this game physically or mentally injured a member of our team in some way |
In addition to the new scores, all reviews will have an advisory panel, with additional hieroglyphs advising you of the game’s content to help you choose the right games for you, or to assist parents with checking if a game is suitable for their little cherubs. Here are some of the hieroglyphs we will be using in the advisory panel:
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| This game features violence |
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| This game features bad language |
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| This game features extreme violence such as dismemberment |
 | This game features or mentions drug use |
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| This game is suitable for mummies to play with their children |
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| There are dogs |
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| You can pet the dog |
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| You can pet The Littlest Hobo |
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| Look out for Easter eggs |
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| Piracy |
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| This game features scenes of defecation |
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| This game features beards |
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| Mansplaining |
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| Bird playing football |
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| Chinese finger traps |
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| Erm, I dunno actually. A disembodied nose doing some snowboarding? Fortune cookies with anger issues? |
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| You can pet the crocodile |
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| Clippy from Microsoft office appears in this game |
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| This series has jumped the shark |
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| This game features one of those things that baristas use to put the grounds in at fancy coffee shops. You know the thing, they jam the coffee into it and put it in the machine to make the coffee. They’re always banging it on the machine to empty it out, that thing. I’m not sure what it’s called but it’s important for the creation of good coffee I assume. Anyway, there’s one of them in this game. |
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| HONK!!!!!!!! |
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