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Introducing GameGrin's new Scoring System and Advisory Panel

Introducing GameGrin's new Scoring System and Advisory Panel

Editor's Note: The astute amongst you will have probably noticed the date on this article already. This April Fools gag was brought to you by GameGrin.com

For ten years now, we’ve been bringing you as much gaming content as we can possibly stuff down your internet pipes, including regular reviews of games. In that time, a lot of things have changed and we have done our best to keep up with the times. One thing, however, has never changed: our review score system. We’ve always used an “out of ten” system because that’s what the review aggregation sites want, but it’s led to many arguments between people who think a game deserves 8.5 and people who think it deserves eight, and rightly so. 

To avoid these arguments and fights, (and in a few isolated cases divorces), we have devised a brand new scoring system, based on the hieroglyphs used in the BBC quiz show Only Connect, with a scale out of six running from lion to eye of Horus. From now on, all of our reviews will be rated like this:

HG1

 The highest score: an excellent game that you should definitely buy

 

HG2

 This is a really good game, but it didn’t make our reviewer cry and you can’t pet the dog so it’s not game of the year contender

HG3

 Certainly not a bad game, but missing that “wow” factor. Maybe needs more cowbell?

HG4

 A below average game that might be entertaining to a child or a gecko, but not to a human adult

 

HG5

This is a dreadful game but we like/feel sorry for the developer so we didn’t want to give it HG6 3

HG6

 The lowest score: this game physically or mentally injured a member of our team in some way

 

In addition to the new scores, all reviews will have an advisory panel, with additional hieroglyphs advising you of the game’s content to help you choose the right games for you, or to assist parents with checking if a game is suitable for their little cherubs. Here are some of the hieroglyphs we will be using in the advisory panel:

violence

This game features violence

language

This game features bad language

extremeviolence

This game features extreme violence such as dismemberment

druguse

This game features or mentions drug use

mummy

This game is suitable for mummies to play with their children

dog

There are dogs

petthedog

You can pet the dog

TLH

You can pet The Littlest Hobo

egg

Look out for Easter eggs

piracy

Piracy

defecation

This game features scenes of defecation

beards

This game features beards

mansplaining

Mansplaining

bird

Bird playing football

fingertrap

Chinese finger traps

nose

Erm, I dunno actually. A disembodied nose doing some snowboarding? Fortune cookies with anger issues?

crocodile

You can pet the crocodile

clippy

Clippy from Microsoft office appears in this game

shark2

This series has jumped the shark

 

coffeething

 This game features one of those things that baristas use to put the grounds in at fancy coffee shops. You know the thing, they jam the coffee into it and put it in the machine to make the coffee. They’re always banging it on the machine to empty it out, that thing. I’m not sure what it’s called but it’s important for the creation of good coffee I assume. Anyway, there’s one of them in this game.

honk

HONK!!!!!!!!

Gary “Dominoid” Sheppard

Gary “Dominoid” Sheppard

Staff Writer

Gary maintains his belief that the Amstrad CPC is the greatest system ever and patiently awaits the sequel to "Rockstar ate my Hamster"

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