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Diary of an NPC - Entry Ten

Diary of an NPC - Entry Ten

You play the main character in every game - the plot revolves around your every moment in the game like as unto a god. Of course, this means you ignore what's going on with the people around who you're controlling. The people who drive around, go in and out of stores and generally live their lives. But did you realise there are a limited number of so-called NPCs? To do their jobs in all of these games, especially the heavily-populated ones, they need to be able to come and go as they please. These people don’t think it’s odd to go from deep space to a land of dinosaurs in the space of a week - it’s their way of life. In this series, we follow one of these people - Nigel Philip Charles. Heading to the city of Steelport, he hopes to escape super powered gang bangers.

Day of Arrival

Upon flying into Steelport Wesley Cutter Intl, I could see a massive statue of a guy pouring some metal. I assume brass. I’m going to take my cash and get me some swanky digs!

DoA +3

So I’m sat in my high rise apartment, watching some TV when there’s this series of explosions. Not close - in fact quite far away. But then these crates of… I don’t know… sex dolls? They looked like sex dolls. And drugs - and god dammed cars start just… raining from the sky! It was like something you’d read about - raining frogs or dogs or something. But nope - this was cars and crates of inflatable sex toys.

Drug Package


Turns out a plane was taken over by terrorists or something. Some people say even those movie star criminals the Third Street Saints were behind it. Guy at the newspaper stall says it was them, anyway. But they’re supposed to be over the bridge in Stillwater, so I dunno why they’re blowing up planes in Steelport…


It is the Saints! I saw their Boss mowing down mascots on TV! It’s this great show called Professor Genki’s Super Ethical Climax - it’s great fun. Very realistic. Anyway, I’d recognise the Boss anywhere. Though I think they did something with their hair…

640px Saints Row 3 Genki manapult


I’ve finally gotten around to getting a job. I’m working in the mayor’s office as one of his aides. Mayor Burt Reynolds, he seems a nice guy. Always helping out the women who are forced to work on the streets. At least, I think he’s helping them…


Turns out, working at the mayor’s office you have to deal with a lot of nutballs. I keep getting calls about super fast hacker gangs, a luchador gang and the Saints killing just absolutely tons of people…


The Saints have quickly risen to the top of this… Gang pyramid? Totem chain? I don’t know - they’re almost number one. They’ve taken down the blue gang and the red gang, now they’re focussing on the green luchador gang. So the government has stepped in and sent in a group called STAG. Anti-gang something. They’ve got a ton of hardware, like jets and lasers and stuff - but to be honest I’m kinda rooting for the Saints. They’re the underdogs…

640px PR Center STAG banner


I met the Boss today! I had to let them into the office to see Mr Reynolds and I almost squealed in delight! I’m such a fan. Reason they were here was because some STAG plane went down over the city and now one of the islands is covered in zombies. So I’m never going there… They can’t escape, because it’s an island connected by bridges and they’ve been raised. Phew!


Going on a month I’ve been here. Think I can call it home about now, right? Murderbrawl XXXI is taking place soon, so I’ll be glad to be in town for that.


No, I can’t do it. I can’t stay here. The Saints blew up a flying aircraft carrier over the city! How long before one of these constantly exploding aircraft crash into me? I’m out. I’m heading to LA, back when things weren’t so high tech. You know, like the ‘50s.

diary 26

Diary of an NPC
Andrew Duncan

Andrew Duncan


Guaranteed to know more about Transformers and Deadpool than any other staff member.

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