Ode To Amy Rose

Several weeks ago, all the staff here were asked what videogame character they would take out on a date as part of GameGrin's Gaming Valentines. The following was my entry which was considered too ridiculous to be included for its length and possible illegality. This appears on your screen now through dodgy back door dealings, so just remember that this piece was never released, it escaped.

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When you’re somewhat emotionally unbalanced and unlucky in love it is vital that you be the “chase-ee” and not the chaser in a relationship. This requires a target (some people prefer the term “partner” apparently) that has some passion and a general upbeat nature but is also easy to manipulate and motivated by abuse. Hence; Amy Rose.

Amy Rose has been chasing after Sonic the Hedgehog since Sonic CD and has never been put off by constant rejection or the fact he had really creepy werewolf teeth in Sonic Adventure (or that time where he actually was a werewolf). All it would take is some Valentine’s Day orientated drama to plant her unhealthy affection onto myself and I’m set for life with someone who will never dare leave my side.

It’s all about nailing that critical first date to set the plan into motion. Some people tiptoe around the issue and awkwardly stutter through simply asking the target, a risky move since the  question gives the illusion of choice and reminds the target that they have free will. It’s way faster and more effective to simply throw yourself in front of her car and guilt her into going out with you right there. Fortunately in the Sonic universe you can just smash a nearby television and give yourself a protective bubble beforehand so it doesn’t even have to hurt.

On the actual date it’s essential to get the target to actually like you, this may require taking on the personality of someone more likeable than you. In Amy’s case she’s so bland you could probably get away with quoting Family Guy and complimenting her big hammer. I would spice things up by subtly dropping in Sonic lines such as “Radical!” and “Tubular Tails!” just to get her heart pumping faster.

The next morning I wait for her to call me, the call should come at around 10:30am because she’s trying to play it cool too and is leaving me some window to call her first, but she can only wait so long. If the target calls you at about 8am then you can probably skip out a few phases because you’ve already got them, if they call at about 3:30am then you might need to abort the mission for your own safety.  On the phone to Amy I make sure I sound as bored as possible, maybe drop a comment about how hot Cream the Rabbit has been looking lately, but I agree to meet up with Amy again later that day.

The second date lasts about 20 minutes, but it’s important that the target makes several comments about how much fun they had the night before and how awesome you are first, then you grumpily say how you’ve got better things to do and storm off. I’d definitely make sure that Amy cries, maybe comment on how ridiculously huge her eyes are and how they take up half her head, then she’d do that anime thing, where she slumps onto her knees and spreads her legs, that creepy old Japanese men think is really cute (and they’re totally right).

Another thing to note is Amy wears a ridiculously round dress that hides her figure and white gloves that are way too big for her. These are clear tell-tale signs of an emotional eater. So after a traumatic second date she will almost definitely be awake at 2am eating a ton of ice cream directly out of the tub while wearing black sunglasses to hide her huge eyes. This is where I’d send her a text telling her that I was stressed out and was having a really difficult day. It’s now February 13th, and Amy’s mind is buzzing, on the one hand the text shows little affection and no apology, but on the other hand why would he text me at 2am if he didn’t care about me?

Now Amy is left pondering and hopefully panicking all day about the situation, constantly going to pick up the phone but losing her nerve and putting it back down after getting halfway through dialling my number. She doesn’t know where she stands, but the depression from the approaching reality of being alone on Valentine’s Day is beginning to set in.

I would call her up as close to midnight as possible, making up and confirming plans for tomorrow. We agree to meet on top of the loop-de-loop on the road between Emerald Hill Zone and the Aquatic Ruins.  She is ecstatic, the relief of dodging the “alone on Valentine’s Day” bullet overwrites all her logic and she begins to become clingy. I have her. Still, it’s important to remind her of her place, you can’t continue to verbally berate the target at this point but you can shove in some minor abuse, such as pulling down Amy’s headband over her mouth if she starts talking too much.

So there you have it, my perfect Valentine’s date. Sure, all this gets me is one of the most annoying Sonic characters ever but anything is better than being alone. With no-one in the Sonic universe interested in her, and the fact that she seems to have no family outside of the occasional pet Chao gives her no options and nowhere to run, she’s stuck with me whether she’s happy or not. Actually, I’m not sure if Amy has any family or not, I better look this up.

……

Okay, apparently Amy Rose is 12 years old.

 

I’m going to change my pick to Tina Armstrong from Dead or Alive, because boobs.