8 Characters NOT To Spend Valentine's Day With
Struggling to find someone to keep you company this Valentine’s? Well before you answer that anonymous card or that curious Tinder match, this is GameGrin’s list of characters you’ll be wanting to avoid this Valentine’s day.
Like all Italians, Mario is a serial flirt, he can charm the ladies with little more than a twitch of his moustache and a shimmy down a narrow pipe. While the idea of hooking up with a self-employed plumber can save you hundreds in plumbing bills, the constant peril your love will put you in might have you keeping Dyno-Rod on speed-dial a little longer. His years of disagreements with King Koopa, Bowser, has left girlfriends of times gone by, (mostly Princess Peach), in mortal peril, kidnapped and in distant lands. If you choose Mario this year, there’s nothing to say you are going to be any safer.
You only get one chance at making a first impression. While there may be some awkward silences or face-palm moments - spilled drinks or food in your teeth spring to mind - what they never warn you about is someone turning up topless, wearing a clown mask and wielding a machete ‘just in case it kicks off’. If you happen to make it through the dinner with all your limbs still attached, Sweet Tooth is more than likely to invite you for a drive in his weaponised iced-cream van. Don’t accept the offer! It’ll all end horribly in an over-the-top death race leaving you dead, or worse, with a phobia of clowns and frozen treats.
I’m surely not the only one who finds the idea of outdoor adventures and long expeditions a waste of valuable ‘doing nothing’ time. So when you find yourself a Tinder match with a beautiful and rich quintessential English women, don’t be so eager to put on your shirt and douse yourself in cheap aftershave. Lara isn’t the Nando’s and cinema type of girl, she’ll expect hiking gear, a gun and directions to some rumoured treasure lurking in the bottom of a crevasse. I’ll take my chances elsewhere.
Don’t get me wrong, Desmond is a good looking lad with a decent bar job, but if you’re looking for snuggles on the sofa and long walks on the beach think again. Desmond spends most of his time unconscious, on his back, reliving his ancestors memories. So when he doesn’t turn up, he’s probably somewhere in Renaissance Italy getting jiggy with his great great great grandma… weirdo. Oh and he lives an alternative universe where he’s the saviour of the planet and is, well… dead.
They say love is electric. Metaphorically of course, in all but one circumstance that is. Cole literally has electricity flowing through his veins, meaning the slightest touch from him will send a shock through your body big enough to power Las Vegas for several weeks. What’s more, if electric super powers weren’t enough, he sources his energy from sucking it in from anything nearby, so movie night is out of the equation - and don’t even ask about a romantic bath!
Bagged yourself a royal? Lucky devil! Or so I would say if it was any other Princess, Dame or even Queen. Princess Kitana, who at 10,000 years-old certainly looks good for her age (i’d expect more of a cross between Yoda and fossilised turd). She hails from Edenia, the lush and fertile world where apparently everyone is beautiful and ridiculously old. What could go wrong on a first date with this lady, right? Well, apart from the fact she is capable of not only kicking your ass, but kicking the asses of Demigods and Kung-Fu masters, it’s safe to say you should probably keep your mouth shut and let her take charge. Oh, and don’t even think about asking to use her fans… it won’t end pretty, or with you being alive!
Man or woman, Shepard is wanted by everyone. Who could blame you, the name is synonymous around the galaxy, Shepard saved the universe from being harvested and has travelled further into space than even Doctor Who. The problem is, Shepard has some obvious deep rooted attachment issues meaning he can easily be smitten by the slightest of looks for the ugliest of alien races. Male, female, gender-less squid-like Asari, Shepard really isn’t picky, and if he has a love interest on the go, chances are, a conversation with someone else will soon lead to sexual relations with the crew member in the next room. Shepard is a serial adulterer and sex addict, not exactly boyfriend material for Valentine’s. Not unless that’s your thing.
Last but not least is a psychotic drug dealing murderer who lives in a filthy and run down trailer in the middle of the desert. Do I really need to go into more detail?