‘Tis the season to be creepy, muahahahahahaaaa ha ha ha ha, scare your granny totally shitless, muahahahahaha ha ha ha ha.
Yes it’s Halloween time again and everyone will be doing playthroughs of their favourite horror games to get into the spirit of things. However, there are games in our industry which are truly terrifying to the core, unfortunately for all the wrong reasons. So here is a rundown of the five worst horror games ever to have the misfortune of being released, in no particular order.
Clive Barker’s Jericho.
When someone thinks of Clive Barker, they think of an amazing author with an uncanny talent for writing some of the greatest novels of our generation that just creeps you out no end. What they don’t think of is this abomination of a game. On paper, the concept seemed like a good idea: a secret squad of soldiers tasked with sealing a breach between our world and those of the firstborn, suffering psychological terror from the beasties with flat out shit your pants shock tactics.
What we got was an uninspired squad based pissing contest with quick time events masked as ‘survival events’ which were nothing more than filler in this shit sandwich of a game.
Silent Hill: Homecoming
Oh fuck me sideways, Silent Hill, where did you go wrong? A series that started out so well, making you feel helpless and feeble against the horrors that reside in this god forsaken town. The series that introduced us to Pyramid Head, the most iconic character of this franchise, even though he was originally portrayed to be the figment of the imagination of James, the protagonist in the second game.
Sadly ol’ pointy noggin became a puppet of fan service which ruined the character’s immense presence and split the fanbase: some love him in all the games while others boo at Konami and maintain that he should have only been in Silent Hill 2 and nothing else.
Homecoming? Well when a game that was meant to be survival horror turns into something more action based, with a protagonist that is able to dispatch anything that comes in his path with relative ease, you lose that sense of fear, the sense of horror, the sense of having to preserve yourself…. you know, the whole concept of survival horror? Then to throw more shit into the mixing bowl, the game takes elements from the first film, which was based on the game! It makes no sense and neither did this game. It was a tough call between this and Silent Hill 4: The Room but Homecoming for me took the soggy biscuit home for the win.
Christ on a bike, I don’t know where to begin with this one. First off I’m going to go out on a limb here and say the whole series of films were shit. They weren’t scary in any way shape or form and they were just predictable pieces of trash that the gullible sheep in this world flocked to see.
Now here comes the game, an uninspired title that leads you from room to room solving puzzles for Jigsaw. Wow, I mean that’s some Einstein shit right there. You have me hooked up to some twisted mechanical instrument of brutal death and I just have to solve a puzzle to get free? Well alrighty then.
Granted there are some glimmers of hope when these puzzles involve performing some brutal surgical procedure on yourself in order to obtain an item, or letting everything fail and watching the person you’re meant to save die in a horrible manner, but everything else just sucks saggy old man ball sack. What’s that Billy? You want to play a game? Well shit the bed, so do I, just not this piece of fucking congealed wank.
Ju-On: The Grudge
Well, not a lot can be said about this Wii title. With as much substance as a rice cracker, this title had you wandering a house with a flashlight… yeah, that pretty much sums it up. Occasionally the Wiimote would say things to you but in reality there was nothing to do, no action in the game, nothing scary would happen at all. An episode of Most Haunted with Derek Acorah is a more frightening prospect than this steaming pile of donkey excrement.
Dino Crisis 3
The original Dino Crisis was fantastic. The Resident Evil-esque survival horror from Capcom had you running from all sorts of weird and wonderful dinosaurs while you tried to keep yourself from becoming a T-Rex toothpick.
Dino Crisis 3 on the other hand is a crappy action game set in space with mutant dinosaurs, crappy voice acting and even worse controls. The whole idea behind this game is just ridiculous, all this genetic experimentation and mutations and they still can’t give ol’ rex a proper set of arms, nor any skin for that matter as your first encounter with the poor bugger you see more muscle and sinew than a proper dinosaur, then for him to drop to some weird worm things? Just fucking LOL at the screen, throw the game in the bin, set it on fire, piss on it, throw the burning pile of piss and plastic at a passing tramp, topping it all off by teabagging the fucker!