Game Over Priest Simulator: Vampire Show

From its name alone, Priest Simulator: Vampire Show doesn’t really tell you what it’s all about, does it? Could it be a religious sim à la I Am Jesus Christ? Or is it some kind of boomer shooter that tasks you with ridding the world of vampires? Well, I’ve spent the past few weeks playing through this indie oddity and have some thoughts on the utter madness I experienced.

First off, let’s talk about the story. You play as Orlok, a vampire from Hell who finds himself in a quaint little village in Poland. Here, Orlok meets Torpedo, who I can only describe as a felt dinosaur humanoid… thing? Anyway, Torpedo performs an exorcism on Orlok, stripping him of his vampiric abilities.

We then follow Orlok as he attempts to get his powers back, all whilst a war between two factions erupts across Poland. These opposing sides, the Christianists and the Shatanists (no, that isn’t a typo), are made up of absolute nutjobs and are the villagers you’ll be interacting with during your time with the game. The narrative is just a complete fever dream, blending satire with the insane. The jokes and writing won’t be for everyone, but as someone who enjoys absurdist humour, I found myself laughing out loud on multiple occasions.

The strangeness continues into Priest Simulator’s aesthetics. The presentation feels like you’re watching a home video found in some pervert’s attic, and I mean that as a compliment. The mockumentary style feels wonderfully weird and original, and I would genuinely love to see more games take this approach to storytelling. Sit-down interviews with characters make for an oddly endearing story. It’s just a completely unique game, and I can’t quite compare its visual style to anything else.

As for the audio, the dialogue is vulgar, tongue-in-cheek, and, dare I say it, random! It can be grating, with Orlok himself being a bit of an irritating whiner at times. Thankfully, you can drown him out with the metal-heavy soundtrack. Gruzja, a black metal band from Poland, provides the OST, which is as aggressive and great for pumping you up during fights. Again, it won’t be to everyone’s tastes, but if Doom can do it, damn it, so can Priest Simulator!

In what’s become a recurring theme throughout this Game Over, the gameplay is also a strange mishmash of ideas. For example, one minute you could be renovating a church with a DJ booth; the next, you could be running over demons in an old, beat-up car. The eclectic nature works in its favour, as it always feels like there is something new to do!

To strip it back to its bare form, Priest Simulator plays like a first-person shooter. However, instead of popping heads with an AK-47, you’ll be wielding holy relics to purge your foes. From the crucifix to a telekinesis glove, there’s a range of unique tools at your disposal. That said, there are more traditional weapons available! Why not grab a pitchfork and shotgun, to show those Shatanists who’s boss?

Being able to dual-wield was a nice touch; mixing and matching long and close-ranged weapons kept the gameplay fresh. Combine this with the varied arsenal, and you’ve got plenty of room for experimentation. It isn’t too in-depth and, if anything, feels akin to a boomer shooter, but it was still an enjoyable, if downright insane, time spent playing.

Blasting Shatanists isn't the only thing you’ll get up to. There are also the more mundane jobs, such as cleaning up graffiti, breaking up big chunks of rubbish, turning crucifixes the right way up, and so on. It can be tedious busywork, but at least there’s a good variety of things to do. I did find the open world rather sparse, and it isn’t the most interesting world to explore. It eventually felt like checking off points on a map in order to 100% the game. The main quests are more engaging, at least, and I found myself spending less time wandering around hunting for collectibles and more just basking in the madness of Orlok’s adventure.

If you're a gamer who likes to laugh as they play, then I'd highly recommend Priest Simulator: Vampire Show! It's goofy, crude, and obscure, and to me, felt like an amalgamation of The Office and Garth Merenghi’s Darkplace. If you’re wanting a more in-depth look at this quirky title, why not check out our review here? It’s an acquired taste, though, so don’t crucify the reviewer or myself if you don’t enjoy it!